The world is an ashtray

I haven't had a cigarette since the 4th of March (2005). I wasn't addicted, I just liked smoking. I can go for months without one. I remember that day distinctively for reasons that I will not disclose. It has been six months since my last one. I usually just smoke when I'm relaxing, bored, emotionally low or when comsuming an alcoholic beverage.

My mind has been wandering endlessly about issues that I'm trying to fight and sometimes, the longing for a cigarette is strong enough to drown me.

I remember those times when I use to go to "Racks" (a restaurant in my home country) by myself and just sit by the window listening to the music I brought. Not many people go to this restaurant. Frankly, the service was terrible. The atmosphere and the fact that there aren't many people going to this place encouraged repeat visits from me. Racks was located a floor above ground and that allowed me to look down and watch the traffic and watch people walk pass in the middle of the day. I enjoyed those times where I can do that with a cigarette on my hand and a glass of ice tea in front of me. The feeling that I was detached from the rest of the world was what was achieved by this relaxing state. It's a package in which I am struggling to keep myself away from for a long time. Those were the days that I felt that my thoughts are the only company I have and want.

An occasional guest was drawn to this ritual, if we dare call it that. Michelle Y., a good friend of mine, used to join me as I welcome her to this world that I found detached from everything else.

But things have changed since then. To my heartbreak, they've closed down Racks - the one that I go to, anyway. There's another one but its quite a travel. It's even more of a distance now that I am out of that country. Agreeing not to smoke is even more of an agony, especially now that the feeling of lashing out is just a tick away.